Disclaimer: Some steps may require extra steps.
Step One: Put baby in bouncer/walker/high chair in the other room and go pull out all your makeup.
Step One part a: Pull screaming baby’s walker/bouncer/high chair into the bathroom with you to stop screaming.
Step One part b: Locate baby toy that has fallen somewhere along the trip and give back to baby.
Step One part c: Pick up toy off the ground and give back to baby (repeat 12x)
Step Two: Quickly apply moisturizer while making funny faces at baby. Since you do not need to be accurate with this step use it to entertain your child and be productive.
Step Two part a: Wipe moisturizer off baby’s hands that he got on when he grabbed your face. Lesson learned, do not get too close once foundation is on.
Step Two part b: See Step One part c (repeat 12x)
Step Two part c: Baby has already had enough of your shenanigans and demands to be picked up. Pick up and soothe baby, put back in bouncer/walker/high chair.
Step Two part d: Baby is still mad, must be hungry. Go sit down and feed baby. Baby falls asleep. Don’t want to wake sleeping baby so sit for 30 min while baby takes a nap. Gotta let that moisturizer sink in anyway.
Step Three: Baby is awake, change diaper and put back in bouncer/walker/high chair. Baby starts to squirm, do next steps in under a minute. GO!
Step Three part a: Rub foundation all over face with fingers. No time for $20 makeup brush. Grab lipstick and use as blush. Now look like a clown, who cares! Put on lipstick as it was meant to be used.
Step Three part b: Baby is now wailing. Wave lipstick around in front of baby as a distraction.
Step Three part c: Wipe lipstick off baby.
Step Four: Baby is now screaming. Pick him up and stand in front of mirror until he smiles at his own reflection. Babies love their reflection.
Step Four part a: Prepare to put on mascara. Be careful.
Step Four part b: Grab make-up towelette to wipe off mascara on nose and most of lipstick-blush. Reapply some foundation on these spots. Don’t worry, it doesn’t look that bad.
Step Four part c: Consider doing eyebrows, eyeliner, powder, bronzer, spot correcting, under eye concealer, eye shadow.
Step Four part d: Laugh. Drink coffee. Be happy, you look great!